


I'm sorry for writing yet another fix it

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27940280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: If things had gone differently, If Dean saved Cas from the empty before he could be taken, how would things play out differently?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	I'm sorry for writing yet another fix it

“I made a deal to save Jack.” Cas says gravely. Dean’s stomach drops. “The price was my life.” 

Suddenly the banging on the door is a distant thought and the sigil weakening is the least of his worries. Cas steps closer and Dean eyes him, not quite wanting to believe him.

“When I experience a moment of true happiness the empty will take me.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“I spent years wondering what true happiness would even mean for me. I thought Jack would make me happy. You and Sam. But it turns out, the one thing I want, is the one thing I know I can’t have.” 

Dean looks at Cas in warning, he’s not quite sure what’s going to happen, but he knows it can’t be good. He knows he can’t lose Cas again. He listens to Cas talk, each word feels like a knife to the gut, twisting. Cas bleeds out from the heart while Dean watches. He can’t do a thing to stop it. 

He’s not sure if he understands a word Cas has said. All that’s going through his mind is that this sounds far too close to a goodbye. This sounds like a revelation. It sounds like a confession. This sounds like his last words. 

Dean knows what’s happening, even if he doesn’t want to fucking think about it. He thought he had more time. Dammit, he thought he would get out of this with Cas by his side or not at all. 

“I love you,” 

Dean has to stifle a sob as he shakes his head. Cas’ hand comes to his shoulder, a sad smile on his face. Dean reaches up and holds onto his wrist tightly. The bang on the door and the gurgling sound behind him spur him into motion. 

He’s a fucking fighter and screw anyone who thinks he’s just gonna let Cas die for him again. He grabs onto Cas, arms around his shoulders, holding so tight Cas might have suffocated if he weren’t an angel. He feels the cold tingly darkness of the empty crawling over him, seeping under his arms, wrapping around Cas. Dean holds tighter, pressing his cheek against Cas’. Billie stands in the doorway, but there’s no way Dean can fight off both. 

The empty wraps around her too, and he feels it around Cas. 

“Let me go, Dean.” Cas says, and Dean thinks he’s scared too. 

“Not a chance in hell,” Dean growls back, clinging to Cas even as the empty tries to rip him away.

“It will take you too, Dean, let go.”

But the empty can’t take Dean, he’s human. Maybe if the empty cared about anything other than the presence of grace, it wouldn’t be able to take Cas either. Humanity seems to have seeped into him in every way that mattered.

Suddenly Cas gives up on trying to make Dean let him go, he stops pushing away and latches back onto Dean, holding him just as tightly, just as desperately.

Then Cas was screaming, deep and full of pain and it made Dean ache. He leans his face more firmly against Cas’, smoothing one of his hands up and down the angel’s back hoping to comfort him even in his own terror. Maybe he would be in less pain if he just let go. Was he being selfish? Certainly this would be worth not spending eternity in the empty. Would Cas die anyway? Is that what his pain meant? 

“Cas?” He asks, voice muffled by the trench coat, terrified. 

The empty snatches Billie, trying to squirm back to where it came from, ripping itself from Cas, who’s gripping Dean’s shoulder so tightly Dean can’t feel his arm. There is glowing, then light so bright Dean has to bury his face in Cas’ neck so he doesn’t go blind from the radiance, and Cas goes silent and limp in his arms.

Dean opens his eyes as soon as he can bear to, already letting them fall to the ground. If he were to look around, he would see that the shadow has gone and Billie has been taken, but all he can focus on is Cas, blinking up at Dean, looking like he’s only on the edge of consciousness, seconds from death.

Blood soaks over Dean’s arms from Cas’ back, he lifts one bloody hand and wipes it on his own shirt quickly before cupping Cas’ face desperately, eyes wide with fear and hope.

“Cas?” He says, voice cracking, and Cas looks at him purposefully, one of his hands coming up slowly to hold onto Dean. But he doesn’t say anything. “You aren’t dying.” Dean tells him, blinking the blurriness and tears from his eyes.

He thinks maybe the phone is ringing, but he can’t deal with that right now. Instead he pulls Cas into a sitting position and tries to figure out how to stop him from fucking dying. He can’t be fucking dying. 

Eventually he’s managed to realize that the blood is coming from two long slashes down Cas’ back. His wings. He does his best to fix it, but there’s no way the injury won’t scar. Dean doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what to do or how to act. They’ve always been just… Dean and Cas. Cas and Dean. Angel and Hunter. 

Now everything has changed. Everything has fucking changed but nothing has at all. Dean left a sleeping Cas in his bed, bandaged and, if his speculations are correct, human. He’s pacing in the hallway, hands in hair and trying to process. 

Cas was less than a second from death. From rotting in the empty for all eternity. Then he nearly bled out in Dean’s arms. Cas wasn’t dead. But he was so fucking close to it, Dean felt like he couldn’t breath. Every inhale rattle his chest, like he was sucking in water, and every exhale stuttered, his chest hurt. Cas had told him he was good. Told him he loved him. Then tried to sacrifice himself. But Dean saved him.

He’s spent so long trying to pretend nothing was happening. Trying to ignore anything that wasn’t absolutely vital to their basic survival. Happiness, want, love… it had always come second. It had always been something out of reach. Especially for Dean. He repressed his most basic emotions, letting them ferment until he was filled with anger instead.

Cas tore that all down. He always had. He tore down Dean’s walls when they first met, and he kept fighting his way in ever since. Cas knew Dean in ways Dean didn’t even know himself. Yet Cas was oblivious, and stupid, and reckless too. He fought for a love he thought was unrequited, was ready to die for a man he assumed didn’t love him back. 

Maybe it was cowardice, a deathbed confession… or maybe it was simply selfless. 

Dean knew himself better now than he had ten years ago. He was full of rage, yes, but he was also doing his best with the shitty cards that he was dealt. He wasn’t a killer, not at heart. Even if he’s felt blood dripping down his arm and felt satisfaction. The blade glistening as he swiftly chopped off something’s head. At times he found solace in his job, but without the mark of Cain to murder an innocent has never brought anything but pain and guilt. He was haunted by the pain he inflicted. Cas saw that. He saw the hatred and the pain and anger and fear. He saw all the guilt. Every inch of the horrible parts of Dean. He loved him anyway. Dean had never been ready to face that. Silently promising himself never to look at the feelings that would only bring them both pain.

But Cas’ near death had been just as painful anyway. Dean knew what this was. He was ready. He had seen the worst bits of Cas too. He had seen him rise too far. Fall too hard. Sink lower than he thought possible and still Dean put him on a pedestal. He was an angel. He was Castiel. He was Dean’s best friend. He was everything.

Dean found himself with his forehead against the wall outside of his room. The door was open, so Dean could see Cas sleeping inside. In case the empty came back to claim the other half of the deal. His face was calm, his tears gone, his expression hard. Chuck was still out there, they had a job to do.

The bunker door slams open and Dean is startled from his introspection, which is probably a good thing since he was probably headed into a spiral. 

Sam and Jack race down the hall, finding Dean alone in the hallway, covered in blood. Sam immediately wraps Dean in a hug.

“God, Dean, why didn’t you answer your fucking phone? I thought you were gone?”

“Gone?”

“Everyone is gone.” Sam whispers.

“What do you mean?” Dean asks, pulling out of the hug.

“Just… disappeared. Gone.” Sam sniffs. He looks around, “Where’s…” His eyes go wide, taking in Dean’s red eyes and clenched jaw. The blood covering his jacket and hands. “Where’s Cas?”

Dean turns and pushes open his door a little more so Sam and Jack can see Cas laying on the bed. He’s still.

“Is he-?”

“He’s sleeping.” Dean sighs. 

“What happened?” Jack asks, horrified.

“He made a deal with the empty. He tried to… tried to sacrifice himself for me.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack whispers, eyes wide. “This is my fault.”

“No it’s not,” Dean shakes his head. “He made the deal, and he’s still here, right. I didn’t let it take him.” Dean’s voice cracks and new tears spring to his eyes. Jack nods, looking back at Cas.

“How? How did you stop it?” Jack asks quietly.

“I’m not sure, kid. But I think- He might be human now.” Dean smiles comfortingly at Jack who looks at Cas sadly. He nods then turns, unable to see Cas hurt and Dean so obviously in pain.

“I could heal him.” Jack says, but they all exchange looks. They need Jacks power for the final battle against Chuck. Cas will live. Jack seems to understand, looking down at his feet. “I’m going to my room.” He sighs and Sam and Dean let him.

Sam looks after Jack worriedly, but ultimately, he turns to his brother, who clearly needs anything but to be left here alone.

“What happened?”

“I wouldn’t let it take him.” Dean grumbles, trying to keep his stoic mask. “He was dying and I held on. It ripped his grace right out.”

Sam grimaces, then he looks at Dean, whose hands are stuffed in his pocket, face looking grave and unreadable. Sam pulls him into a hug.

It takes a moment for Dean to break. But after a minute, he slumps against Sam and hugs back. Even then, it’s less of a breakdown and more of an emotional release. His expression giving way into exhaustion.

“He was almost gone, Sam. Then he almost bled out in my arms. He-” Dean shakes his head. “I couldn’t- I’ve never held onto anyone so tightly.”

“It’s okay,” Sam whispers, “He’s okay.”

“But it was so close. I can’t… I can’t lose him again.”

“I know, Dean. He’s here though.”

“No, Sam,” Dean pulls out of the hug, rubbing his hand over his face. “I need him.” He mumbles. Sam nods like he understands and Dean shakes his head in frustration. “You don’t- Sammy, I love him.” Dean whispers finally, voice harsh. 

He sounds horrified with himself and he won’t let it show but he’s scared. He’s unsure of how Sam will react. He’s shaking. He checks that Cas is still there, and it lets him take his eyes off Sam for a minute. 

“That’s okay,” Sam says after a moment of tense silence. Dean looks up at him hopelessly. “Dean, that’s- that’s good! He’s- he’s okay, and you’re okay, and you deserve this.”

Dean nods and looks back at Cas. Sam pulls him into another quick hug and Dean pulls himself back together the best he can.

“What about everyone else? They’re just… gone?”

“Poof.” Sam nods. “And not just from the apocalypse world, I mean everywhere. Everyone.”

“No,” Dean shakes his head in horrified disbelief.

“We’re the last people on Earth.” 

***

Cas is still recovering when Sam, Dean, and Jack go to fight god. When they return, Cas is in the kitchen, beer in hand, looking significantly better.

“I was able to help him, he is not completely healed, but he will be okay.” Jack says. He hugs his father goodbye, briefly explaining what had happened, and he’s gone, promising to visit weekly for family dinner and movie nights. 

Sam claps Cas on the shoulder and then he’s off to his room, phone in hand and dialing Eileen’s number.

Dean looks at Cas, who gazes back with contentedness, then Dean strides up to him and pulls him into a hug.

“No more deals, Cas. Got it?”

“Got it,” Cas answers and Dean nods, tucking his chin against Cas’ neck. 

They stay like that for a beat too long, and then Cas is letting Dean pull away. There’s a tense awkwardness in the air, and Cas looks at the doorway, as if planning his escape. He had thought he was going to die. That he wouldn’t need to face this part of his confession. But here he was, standing in the kitchen, completely alive. Dean stands in front of him, shuffling his feet and licking his lips nervously, and Cas is in love with this man. He loves him through and through. He doesn’t ask for reciprocation, no matter how much he aches for it, and he doesn’t expect Dean to even acknowledge what Cas said, if he doesn’t wish to. 

Dean is looking at Cas curiously, like he isn’t quite sure what he’s dealing with. 

“You meant it right?” He says finally. “Can angels feel things like people can?”

“I’ve always felt things differently than angels are supposed to Dean. Of course I meant it.”

“Oh. Well, good.” He nods, clearing his throat. Cas tilts his head at him. “Cas, you- god, just… never do that again okay. The dying thing. The self sacrificing thing. I can’t- I can’t lose you again.”

“I would sacrifice myself for you a thousand times, Dean.” Cas shakes his head, “But I will do my best.”

“Good.” Dean hugs him again, talking into his shoulder, “I thought you knew, man. You said you heard my prayer.”

“What do you mean?”

“In purgatory, I was gonna, I was about to tell you, but you said I didn’t need to. I thought you knew.” Dean mumbles. When he pulls away from Cas again, he doesn’t let go, one hand strays from his shoulder to the back of his neck. “And then you start going on all this shit about wanting what you can’t have, you can have it Cas. You’ve always had me.” 

“I assumed it was a familial love.”

“Dammit Cas, no, I’m just a dumbass. I love you too,” He says, “I’m in love with you.”

***

The next morning, when Sam comes out of his room, Eileen behind him, to find Dean leaning against the kitchen counter to talk to Cas, faces far closer than they’ve ever allowed themselves to be, Sam grins. Cas says something and Dean chuckles, smiling more than Sam’s ever seen from him. Then he reaches across the table and pulls Cas into a short kiss as if they’ve been doing this all along. 

Sam clears his throat, smirking and makes his way to the fridge while Eileen takes a seat next to Cas. Dean pulls away quickly at first, before remembering this is allowed. He’s allowed to be here. Allowed to touch Cas, to kiss him, to hold his hand in front of people.

Later that morning, Sam finds Dean, grinning, and puts his hand on his shoulder.

“I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Sammy,” Dean rolls his eyes, but Sam knows he appreciates it. “I guess it’s time for toes in the sand, huh?”

“Guess so.” Sam smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is such a mess, I just start things and then don't know how to finish them. It feels like one long winding incoherent thought  
> I also don't have anyone to beta read... anyway follow me on twitter (@ queer_angel_)


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